Dirt is the story of Mabby Congress, a single mother of three. Whilst on holiday in California, Mabby shoots a sailor named Frank. Frank's mother Betsy, vows to avenge his murder. She tracks down Mabby to a pilchard farm just outside LA. However, Betsy is instantly enchanted by Mabby's beautiful silky skin and is unable to kill her. The two soon fall in love.

Mabby convinces Betsy to undergo hyper quantum wobble hypnosis. However, the treatment goes horribly wrong! Betsy transitions into a astro rim raider with an insatiable appetite for child flesh boiled in pornographic jazz butter! Fearing the worse, Mabby and the children head for a secret synagogue in Afghanistan. At the airport she bumps into Timmy Tasscar, his hirsute wife Tam Tam and the ghost of legendary Hollywood actor Kirk Douglas. All three find themselves bewitched by Mabby's beautiful silky skin. Without hesitation they agree to make Mabby an offer. ...An offer which will change the course of world history, forever!