Dirt is the story of Mabby Congress, a single mother of three. Whilst on holiday in California, Mabby shoots a sailor named Frank. Frank's mother Betsy, vows to avenge his murder. She tracks down Mabby to a pilchard farm just outside LA. However, Betsy is instantly enchanted by Mabby's beautiful silky skin and is unable to kill her. The two soon fall in love.
Mabby convinces Betsy to undergo hyper quantum wobble hypnosis. However, the treatment goes horribly wrong! Betsy transitions into a astro rim raider with an insatiable appetite for child flesh boiled in pornographic jazz butter! Fearing the worse, Mabby and the children head for a secret synagogue in Afghanistan. At the airport she bumps into Timmy Tasscar, his hirsute wife Tam Tam and the ghost of legendary Hollywood actor Kirk Douglas. All three find themselves bewitched by Mabby's beautiful silky skin. Without hesitation they agree to make Mabby an offer. ...An offer which will change the course of world history, forever!
Emmery Dover is a distinguished licence raider with general levels of appeasement. Born in Terry Tan Tars corner and raised in vertical myopia. His career has spanned the dawn of death and opened many opportunities for damp wrists.
The Vagina Maze
A Stream Of Teenage Nonsense
by Ursula Burgfist
There's a gentle new girl in Maiden Valley and she has everybody talking. Stunningly tall and devastatingly strange, all the girls want her. However, Shannon Novak has a secret - She's a Velcro witch corpse.
Emily Wood is an obnoxious, dirty girl who enjoys eating midnight lipstick. She becomes fascinated by Shannon who can stop Aids with her bare hands. She doesn't understand why she's so unsociable.
Her best friend, a happy gay electro fool called Dr. Teeth, helps Emily begin to piece together the mystery. Together, they discover the obscure secret of the Vagina Maze.
When odd shaped seaweed starts turning up all over Maiden Valley, Emily begins to fear the worst. The gay electro fool urges her to report Shannon to the Village Corpse Society and she knows she should, so what's stopping her?
She may resist Shannon's sanctuary muffin, but can she resist her bizarre fluid hole?
Will she be caught kissing with the Velcro witch corpse?
"Bursting with originality. A dirty girl falling for a tall Velcro witch corpse has simply never been done before."
- The Daily Sketch
"As subtle as a skeleton wanking in a biscuit tin, but the Vagina Maze does deliver an important message about the need for more Village Corpse Societies."
- Fruity Metcalf
"This must be based on a true story, you couldn't make this stuff up!"
- Fetus Candy Webzine
"This author really boils my piss!! An auto plot-generator could do a better job!!! "
- Merlin Waterstone